Ant Cule Reviews... Being Alive

An Extremely Subjective View of Being A Human

Tag: Water

Ant Cule Reviews… Washing Your Hands

And Also Seeing Someone Else Not Wash Theirs.

Everybody poops. You. Me. Your mum. My mum (sorry mum!). Everybody pees. Including our parents. It’s only natural. But what’s not natural is not then washing your hands.

And yet, the question pops in my head, is it natural to wash your hands after making your toilet? For that matter is it natural to wipe your bum? Did our ancestors on the savannah make sure they did their business near a nice big non-toxic leaf? Or did they walk around wafting poopstink wherever they roamed?

Did all these incarnations of humans wipe their butts? (image from here:

Did all these incarnations of humans wipe their butts? (image from here:

A brief internet search shows me that our cave-dwelling ancestors must have just dropped their bits in the cave, before eventually designating one area for pooping. As the nature of humans is to streamline processes more, so pooping must have become more centralised. In the agricultural revolution there may have been designated poop-zones. Kind of like festival portaloos, but less awful. Then as farms grew to cities so we developed sewers. And as our effluence mingled together so bacteria grew, thus illness was tracked back to open sewers and piles of poop. Thus poop was seen as evil. And as medicine advanced, and with the rise of antibacterials, so came post-toilet hygiene.

Wow, that was a weird tangent. A very brief history of pooping. Sorry about that.

I saw someone make the valid point that we actually use potential drinking water to hurry our little turds on their merry way to the sewer. That’s crazy. I blame the Victorians. I’d be happy just burying my little leavings in the back garden. Is that why they call it soiling yourself?

Where was I? Oh yes, although I have all these questions about society’s fecal etiquette, I actually enjoy washing my hands. Warm water and soap on a cold day is a sweet remedy. To what, I don’t know, but it’s definitely a remedy. It’s like having a little bath in the middle of the day. A little bath just for your hands. And I don’t need to tell you how much I love a bath, do I? I do? Well, read it here.

What I can’t ABIDE is weeing next to someone then finishing at more or less the same time, walking towards the sinks, and then, as I go the sinks to wash my hands, the other weeer (pronounced ‘oui-er’) walks straight out of the public toilethouse. Like, whaaaaaat?! You’re going to go and handle apples with unwashed hands? You’re going to go and stroke soft looking furnishings after touching your junk? Or do you have some kind of prehensile penis, which means you only have to undo your zip to pass your body-water? WHICH IS IT?!

Overall, I highly recommend washing your hands after using the toilet in any form. Especially if you happen to pee next to me. If you don’t I will judge you. And it won’t be a nice judgement.

Ant Cule Reviews… Drinking Water

Water. Water of life. Jesus gives us the water of life.

That’s what the hymn told me, way back in prep school. But I feel like I didn’t quite appreciate the key message of this hymn. Water OF LIFE. (jesusgivesusthe) WATER OF LIFE. WATER = LIFE.

Water is life.

That’s what they were trying to tell me. It wasn’t about who gives us the water. It was about how important water is. It’s crucial to survival. Every so often I’ll have a period of time that reminds me just how much water is necessary even to just sit around. So think about when you’re rushing from place to place. Your body is clever, so if you’re focussing on something else it won’t bother you with how thirsty you are until you get a raging headache and feel like you’re going to keel over.

And man oh man, drinking water is so good. It’s like the clear liquid we all need to survive. It’s like the most refreshing feeling imaginable. Okay, imagine a dry patch of sand (this is your mouth) and now imagine pouring some water on it (drinking some water) THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS TO DRINK WATER! Or imagine a clear liquid that anyone can drink and it alleviates their thirst – THAT IS WATER!!! Imagine a universal drink with life-giving properties THAT’S WATER!!!!!! And by universal I mean, literally, universal for all life forms that we know of so far – WATER!!!!! The great liquid!!!! The wonderful stuff!!!! Imagine a drink you can bathe in- WATER!!!! A drink you can dab onto your wrists when you’re too hot- WATER!!!! A drink you can boil pasta or vegetables in- WATER!!!!!


Overall I highly recommend drinking water every day, for refreshment from the versatile clear drinking liquid. Water.

(this post has been brought to you by Water – “Mmm, that’s a good clear liquid.”)

Ant Cule Reviews… Watering The Plants

Do you know what? Plants are just like you or me. They need water to live. They need water, and sunlight, and someone to listen to their problems. Just like you and me.

In our flat, we have cultivated quite a collection of houseplants. We have a humble rubber plant. A sultry spider plant. Several coy peace lilies. Along with a great number of uppity cacti.

A cactus in his natural garb.

I love these plants. I see them as part of the family. But are they? Or are they trying to oust me as the king of the household? What are they plotting? Plants can communicate you know. They send messages out in frequencies we humans can’t hear. They use their roots to pass messages like naughty children passing notes in a classroom. They whisper, they plot, they howl with derision every time I enter a room.

And yet I pour water into their greedy soil as if I were a mindless drone, good for nothing more than giving our plant overlords a good soaking once in a while. Well, let me tell you something plants, I am the king here. I have the keys to the flat. I hold the watering can! And I shall let you live only for as long as you give me great relaxation by being so beautiful and purifying the very air I breath. But if I hear one whispered word of your attempt to overthrow me, then that’s it! No more water!

Overall, I highly recommend watering the plants, as it helps placate the plant-kings, and staves off the inevitable revolution.

Ant Cule Reviews… Doing The Washing Up

We all have those chores that make us roll our eyes like “Oh Jeez, puh-leeze, not that, anything but that.”

I’ll even bet for some of you it’s that great white elephant of the chore-world – yes, I’m talking about Doing The Washing Up.

But let me tell you something. I quite like doing the washing up. This will certainly come as a surprise to some people who live/have lived with me. But trust me gang, I’ve changed. A bit.

Previously I just wouldn’t do it, and someone else would (sorry Christian).

But now, when the mood takes me, I bloody love doing it.

My routine is as follows. Marigold on my left hand, washing up wand in my right, tap on very hot, go to town. Scrub away. Get all that grime off. I don’t – I have to clarify – literally go to town. That wouldn’t help get the washing up done at all.

I find it quite therapeutic really, standing there sloshing around in the water. Connected to the natural world somehow. Through this water. Jetted into my house by witchcraft through a metal pipe and out of a spout. There’s danger too. This water is really very hot.

But it gives me time to think. And reflect. And listen to podcasts.

And also there’s never that much really. It’s only the bits that can’t go in the dishwasher that I have to do nowadays.

All in all I recommend doing the washing up if you want a reflective and tactile experience like no other. Also recommended if you dislike living in total filth.