Ant Cule Reviews... Being Alive

An Extremely Subjective View of Being A Human

Tag: Food

Ant Cule Reviews… Houmous

Or Hummus. Houmous. Or Hummus? Why not both? They both amount to the same thing. Chickpeas smashed into a glorious paste, flavoured with manna from heaven. And tahini.

Glorious and tasty paste. Eat with crisps (not pictured)

I am a vegetarian. Houmous (hummus?) is often associated with vegetarians, being as it is one of the only things they can physically consume. But even before I became a vegetarian I ate a hecka load of houmous. Hummus. The thing is, I love crisps, but on their own they’re so dry and crunchy. They don’t have nearly enough wet paste smothering them, is the problem. And that’s where hummus steps in. Hamas?

Houmous on its own, is a delicious wet paste, but it doesn’t have nearly enough crunch to it. Do you see where I’m going with this? How do you spell hummus?

Crisps and hoomoose combined are what I call ‘God’s Own Confection’. Just the perfect balance of slime and crunch. Like eating a delicious insect, I suppose, with a crunchy exoskeleton and gloopy innards. I’ve only ever eaten one insect on purpose – a deep fried locust. The wing-casing was stuck in my teeth for the whole evening.

I eat so much humous (woah! Autocorrect just gave me yet another spelling!) that I ought to be a brand ambassador. If only I could spell the damned substance. I can’t say that since becoming vegetarian I’ve noticed a major spike in my own hjummush intake, but that’s probably because it is literally my snack of choice. I was born in Surrey, by the way.

Things I love about hommos:

  • how no-one knows how to spell it!
  • The plastic wrapping that you have to unwrap from around the lip of the pot.
  • The many ways you can spell it; It’s so versatile!
  • How great it tastes with crisps!
  • The many different variants you can get.
  • How scared I am to make it myself.

Overall I highly recommend houmous – the delicious paste you can eat!

Ant Cule Reviews… Eating a Pear

Imagine a pear. Yes, that’s right. A pear.

Here’s a visual prompt.

An entire pear.

An entire pear.

Yes. Yes. Good. Well done. I like the look of that pear.

Imagine with me taking a bite of that pear. Yes. Good. Rub it on your sleeve first, yes, get rid of all those germs, very good. Yes. Now, mm, a bite. Oh! It’s delicious. It’s sweet, but a particular kind of sweet. Like, okay, apples are sweet but they have a sort of high note of sourness. Not so with the pear. Yes, it’s just sweetness all the way baby.

What’s the texture like? Is it like the pear I’m eating? Juicy, and just firm enough? You don’t want to leave your pear in the bowl too long lest it become awful and powdery. You also don’t want to eat it too soon lest it be too firm and non-juice-yielding. But this pear. Mm. It’s just that right level of firm and juicy.

Dammit. That’s a good pear. Eat it all. Yes, it’s quite refreshing too isn’t it? For all its sweetness, it has a certain refreshing quality, doesn’t it? Yes. Eat it.

Good. Well done.

The finished article.

The finished article.

If you enjoyed that as much as I did, it will come as no surprise to you that I highly recommend eating a pear. It’s also one of your fruits-per-day! So that’s great. If you have some kind of pear allergy, then just indulge in the imagining eating a pear. That will suffice.