Ant Cule Reviews... Being Alive

An Extremely Subjective View of Being A Human

Category: Food

Ant Cule Reviews… Eating Ice Cream

The spoon dips. And rises again with its humble load. Then the spoon passes your lips. The frosty sweetness kisses your tongue. Your stomach rumbles. Your saliva glands go absolutely nuts and start spraying every which way. The old feeling. So sweet. So familiar. The ancient dance of ice cream.

GORGEOUS

Ice cream.

Iced cream.

Cream + Ice. A simple sum that equals sheer bliss.

Are there two more beautiful words in the English language than ‘Ice Cream’?

What is it about the sweet, creamy, delicious, addictive, sugar-filled, well-marketed treat that makes it so irresistible? I don’t know. But I do know that I absolutely love it. And there are so many flavours! Here are a handful of my favourites and some tasting notes.

Rum ‘n’ Raisin – Very delicious.

Salted Caramel – Very delicious.

Chocolate – Very tasty.

Vanilla – Very nice.

Mince pie – Very good.

Cream – Very creamy.

Overall, I highly recommend eating ice cream for a cold and tasty treat. You could also try eating chilled icing sugar.

Ant Cule Reviews… Houmous

Or Hummus. Houmous. Or Hummus? Why not both? They both amount to the same thing. Chickpeas smashed into a glorious paste, flavoured with manna from heaven. And tahini.

Glorious and tasty paste. Eat with crisps (not pictured)

I am a vegetarian. Houmous (hummus?) is often associated with vegetarians, being as it is one of the only things they can physically consume. But even before I became a vegetarian I ate a hecka load of houmous. Hummus. The thing is, I love crisps, but on their own they’re so dry and crunchy. They don’t have nearly enough wet paste smothering them, is the problem. And that’s where hummus steps in. Hamas?

Houmous on its own, is a delicious wet paste, but it doesn’t have nearly enough crunch to it. Do you see where I’m going with this? How do you spell hummus?

Crisps and hoomoose combined are what I call ‘God’s Own Confection’. Just the perfect balance of slime and crunch. Like eating a delicious insect, I suppose, with a crunchy exoskeleton and gloopy innards. I’ve only ever eaten one insect on purpose – a deep fried locust. The wing-casing was stuck in my teeth for the whole evening.

I eat so much humous (woah! Autocorrect just gave me yet another spelling!) that I ought to be a brand ambassador. If only I could spell the damned substance. I can’t say that since becoming vegetarian I’ve noticed a major spike in my own hjummush intake, but that’s probably because it is literally my snack of choice. I was born in Surrey, by the way.

Things I love about hommos:

  • how no-one knows how to spell it!
  • The plastic wrapping that you have to unwrap from around the lip of the pot.
  • The many ways you can spell it; It’s so versatile!
  • How great it tastes with crisps!
  • The many different variants you can get.
  • How scared I am to make it myself.

Overall I highly recommend houmous – the delicious paste you can eat!

Ant Cule Reviews… Baking Banana Bread

Is it a bread? Is it a cake? Is it a banana? Is it all of these things, or none of them? Or simultaneously all AND none? Just what is banana bread?
I don’t propose to solve this mystery, no sir, not right now. I don’t if that’s a mystery that can ever be solved. What I propose to do, is simply review the act of making and baking some banana bread.
Bear in mind this is just this one specific instance of making (and baking) banana bread. This is not necessarily reflective of how I always make banana bread, nor even how banana bread should always be made. This is only reflective of how I made it on the evening of Monday the 8th of February 2016.
First things first, I mashed up some very ripe bananas. I used a fork to mash them, but you could also use your fist or your feet. Make sure you mash them in a bowl, rather than on the floor.

Here is evidence of how ripe the bananas were (posthumous)

Here is evidence of how ripe the bananas were (posthumous)

I then mixed up some sugar and butter in a different bowl. This is very satisfying, especially if you soften the butter prior to mixing as I did. Softened butter means it becomes much more malleable and thus you feel very strong when you mix it with the sugar – provided you then imagine it as being HARDENED butter.
Next, I smooshed the banana (mashed) into the sugar and butter (mixed), along with some vanilla essence (nice) and something else that I’ve forgotten. Oh yes. Two eggs. I remembered. I chose to remove the shells of the eggs, I find it less jagged that way. Also cracking eggs makes me feel like a Boss Chef.
I then weighed some flour (plain) and some baking powder (beautiful), before manhandling them into the banana/egg/sugar/butter goop.
I yelled “¡I am a Boss Chef!“, and then poured the mixture of all of the above into a baking tin.

Here is the mixture at the "Uncooked" stage of cooking.

Here is the mixture at the “Uncooked” stage of cooking.

I had poured about half of the mixture into the tin when I realised that I had intended to add nuts and seeds into the mixture. So I then added some nuts and seeds into the rest of the mixture. This was a real thrill. I felt like a total maverick and Boss Chef, improvising on the fly.
Once I’d mashed the nuts and seeds into the mixture, I shuttled it into an already hot oven. It is important that your oven is hot, else it won’t cook, silly!
Here’s what it looks like.

Here is the cake/bread/banana finished and fresh out of the (hot) oven.

Here is the cake/bread/banana finished and fresh out of the (hot) oven.

Over all, I highly recommend baking banana bread for it makes you feel like a ¿Boss Chef?. I don’t recommend it if you’re keen on having your baked goods easily definable.

Ant Cule Reviews… Eating a Pear

Imagine a pear. Yes, that’s right. A pear.

Here’s a visual prompt.

An entire pear.

An entire pear.

Yes. Yes. Good. Well done. I like the look of that pear.

Imagine with me taking a bite of that pear. Yes. Good. Rub it on your sleeve first, yes, get rid of all those germs, very good. Yes. Now, mm, a bite. Oh! It’s delicious. It’s sweet, but a particular kind of sweet. Like, okay, apples are sweet but they have a sort of high note of sourness. Not so with the pear. Yes, it’s just sweetness all the way baby.

What’s the texture like? Is it like the pear I’m eating? Juicy, and just firm enough? You don’t want to leave your pear in the bowl too long lest it become awful and powdery. You also don’t want to eat it too soon lest it be too firm and non-juice-yielding. But this pear. Mm. It’s just that right level of firm and juicy.

Dammit. That’s a good pear. Eat it all. Yes, it’s quite refreshing too isn’t it? For all its sweetness, it has a certain refreshing quality, doesn’t it? Yes. Eat it.

Good. Well done.

The finished article.

The finished article.

If you enjoyed that as much as I did, it will come as no surprise to you that I highly recommend eating a pear. It’s also one of your fruits-per-day! So that’s great. If you have some kind of pear allergy, then just indulge in the imagining eating a pear. That will suffice.